Saturday, December 31, 2005

Yet another Holiday

One day, for the sake of my son, I will be better at holidays. Right now I just wish that they would all go away. I don't think that I can take another one right now... And the next - Valentine's day... That will be a diaster as well. My DH will be working that night too, I am sure. The one after that... Our anniversary - I am sure that will be a laughable affair. You see I don't really think that the problem is me. I think the problem lies in the fact that my DH doesn't really care. He doesn't see me right now. I think he did at one time, or he tried to. Lately it doesn't seem to me like he really knows me at all. (Example: One night a month or so ago I went to the bar where he works with a friend of his - When my DH asked what I would like to drink, I told him to surprise me. After all he is a bartender, and he should know what the woman he is married to would not find absolutely repulsive... And he gives me a drink that contains the one thing that I hate. Juniper Berries = Gin.... YUCK!!!!!) You might read that and think it is no big deal. To me it was and is a big deal, and in the end isn't that all that matters?
When I am sad I don't want to knit. I don't want to do anything, and I think that in the past few days I have somehow gotten worse and better at mommiedom. I don't know how to explain that. I love my son more than anything in this world, and all I want to do is make him happy. I want to be a great and wonderful momma to him. He is the best thing that I have ever done in my life. Somedays I think that he is the only good that has come of me. Other than him, there is nothing notable about my life. Isn't that sad.... I am doing the thing that no parent should ever do - make their child don their own hopes and dreams. How can anyone ever hope to live up to that. Instead, I just want him to be happy, healthy, and wise.

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